Stumbling Through Read online

  STUMBLING THROUGH

  A LIFE IN STORIES

  VOLUME ONE

  Steve Shadow

  © Steve Shadow 2013

  All rights reserved

  Cover design by Barry Graham

  (www.barrygrahamauthor.com)

  Cover photo by Daishin Stephenson

  (www.leafandstreetphotography.com)

  Layout by Scott McDonald

  Coldforge Press

  Published by Shadow Press

  DEDICATION

  To my sister Carol who was the first to hear my stories.

  To Marcia Lynn, George, Sharon, Martin, Martha and Virginia.

  Without you there would be no stories.

  To Angela: Always and forever.

  .

  CONTENTS

  JIMMY AND THE FULLER BRUSH MAN

  7

  SUGAR NUSSBAUM

  23

  CHLOE

  39

  KARL/MICHAEL

  51

  NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW

  79

  BIRTHDAY GIRL

  91

  THE BALLAD OF PRETTY BOY

  111

  ONE SMALL STEP

  139

  TALL IN THE SADDLE

  171

  MONDO IN LOVE

  193

  JACKIE, JOJO AND CHULA

  207

  JIMMY AND THE FULLER BRUSH MAN

  It was the summer of 1955. I was 15 years old and James Dean was still alive. I was out of school and loose in the streets. I loved music, movies and the Chicago Cubs. I spent my days selling papers at Wrigley Field when the team was in town. With the money I earned I was flush and could stuff my face with hot dogs and hot beef sandwiches smothered in rich brown gravy. Sometimes I would go to 3 movies in one day and gorge on buttered popcorn.

  When the team was away I ran the alleys looking for empty bottles to steal and cashed them in for the deposit. When I ran the streets at night I would peep the windows and if I got lucky I would see a naked girl or woman. Of course sometimes it was a naked man and that kind of put me off.

  I lived with my mother who worked 2 jobs and was always tired. I did not see her much. She left me alone and never questioned where I was or what I was doing. I had no idea who my father was and stopped asking about him early on. I tolerated school and for the most part kept out of trouble. I was stared at because my mother did little at home in the way of housework, so I always wore ragged and wrinkled clothing. I pretty much looked after myself and lived day to day. Other than jerking off on dark porches when I spotted a naked woman, I had no interest in girls. I liked the way they looked and smelled but they seemed like foreign creatures to me. I was unsure about the facts of life. I only knew what I heard from the snatches of bragging and lies from some of the bad boys at Lakeview, where I went to high school. I did sometimes have fantasies of violence and rape (or what I thought rape was) and this scared me. My mother never said anything about sex and I would never ask. All my ideas about love and family came from Hollywood movies.

  In both winter and summer I liked to go to the lake front after dark, take my clothes off and run naked through the woods. I was lucky that I never got caught by the cops. Although I was seen, I was never stopped. I could run like the wind back then with the damp and frozen air washing my skin clean. I ran until I collapsed and buried my face in the snow or the dead leaves, depending on the season.

  I stole books from the library and read them all through the night. I always brought them back. I had no record player so I spent hours in the local music stores listening to records. I loved Fats Domino and Little Richard. In those days they had little booths you could take a record into and listen to it. I usually did this until I got thrown out.

  On one hot and humid day while I was lazing around the apartment the doorbell rang. I pushed myself off the couch and opened the door. A man stood there with a large case in his hands.

  “Hi there,” he said. “Is your mother at home?”

  “Who are you? What do you want with her?”

  “I’m the Fuller Brush salesman in your area. I sell all sorts of household products. Haven’t you ever heard of us?”

  “No, I guess not. Anyway she ain’t home and I don’t think she wants any brushes.”

  He looked me up and down. “What’s your name, young man?” I told him. He asked my age and I told him that also. He seemed to make up his mind about me.

  “How would you like to make a few bucks and help me out? I could use someone to make deliveries for me. See, I call on the house wives and take orders for different items that our company sells. Then I get them boxed up and you would drop them off. It would only be for a couple of weeks. I can give you a dollar for every delivery. Have you lived around here long? Do you know the neighborhood?”

  “Sure I do.” I thought about his offer and it seemed all right. The Cubs were on the road and I had nothing better to do. “OK, but all I got to do is drop the stuff off, right? You’ll have it all ready with an address?”

  “Yeah, sure, it’s easy as pie. You just go and give the ladies their orders. You don’t go too early and not too late. It’s best to go between 9 and 3 during the day. Is that all right for you?” I nodded. “My name is Mr. Tan, but you just call me Avery. You sure this will be OK with your folks? Should I come back later and talk to them?”

  “No, you don’t have to do that. My mother wants me to work. Well, at least until school starts.”

  “Well, fine then young man. I’ll be back in 2 days with some orders. I’ll be here about 10 AM. Just remember that you have to give the items to the ladies. You can’t just leave things by the door. If no one is home when you get there then go back later or go back the next day. Is every thing clear? You got any questions?”

  I guess he thought I was not too bright. “Uh, sure, I got it, Mr., I mean Avery. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

  I heard him stomping down the stairs as I went back to daydreaming about the film I had seen that spring and was obsessed with. It was last May when I had gone to the Uptown Theatre to see a film called “East of Eden”. For the first time at a movie I was struck dumb. I have now seen it four times. In many ways I had no understanding of what was going on. Of course I knew nothing of John Steinbeck. All the biblical allusions, that I am now aware of, sailed over my head as I had no religion at all. After seeing the film twice I sought out the book but had trouble reading it and quit long before I finished it. It was the movie that gripped me and left me stunned and gasping for air. I was desperately in love with James Dean without understanding why. I was always bottled up emotionally, or so I was told, but when watching that film I trembled and cried. Even thinking about it caused me to choke up. I lived in a house and world without physical affection. I had no father to please as James Dean tried to do in the film. The whole thing was an unsettling mystery to me. While I struggled to understand just what this all meant, I did know that it had a profound affect on me.

  

  Mr. Tan showed up as promised and left me 10 bags of items to be delivered that day. He once again asked about seeing my mother but I told him about her always working. I had mentioned to her what I was doing and had her sign a note I had written to agree that she was fine with the arrangement the brush man and I had made. I showed it to him and that seemed to satisfy his concerns.

  I spent the day trudging around the area knocking on doors and dropping off the ladies orders. Most of the women were old, fat and ugly. They all seemed kind of disappointed that it wasn’t Mr. Tan at the door. I guess they liked him or something although he didn’t seem anything special to me.

  It was a typical Chicago August; full of heat and humidity. I was a sweaty mess by the time I got to the
last order. It was at a 3 story apartment building a few blocks from where I lived. I checked the names on the mailboxes in the lobby. I saw “Polansky-3C”, and began the long climb. I was hot, tired and now, after a long humid day, not to thrilled about having taken on this job.

  I finally dragged myself to the third floor. I knocked on the door as I called out, “Fuller Brush.” I waited for an answer and was about to knock again when the door swung open and I was greeted by a black haired woman in a sheer negligee which I could see through. She had large drooping breasts with dark brown nipples and a thick shock of black pubic hair. I took this all in as I stood there with my mouth hanging open.

  “Where’s Avery? Who are you?”

  It took me few seconds to speak. “I’m helping Mr. Tan out with deliveries.”

  She looked past me down the hallway. She grabbed my arm and pulled me inside. “Come on in. I got nosy neighbors.” I stumbled into her kitchen and put the goods on the table. I could not stop staring at her.

  “Gee, you look about fried. It must be hot out there. Can I get you a coke or some lemonade? Have a seat. You ain’t in any hurry, are you?”

  I did not know what to say so I sat at the table while she got some lemonade out of the refrigerator and poured me a full glass. She had a large fan blowing into the kitchen and it was swirling her clothing around while I tried to catch my breath.

  She smiled at me. “As you can probably tell I was expecting Avery to come by. You’re kind of cute but I can’t tell if you’re flushed from the heat or if you’re blushing. Which is it? C’mon, say something. Cat got your tongue?”

  She stood next to me and I could feel the heat from her body next to mine. I was afraid I was going to faint from the excitement of her being so close to me.

  “Well, uh, no. I can talk.” I was trying to avoid staring but I could not take my eyes off her. I thought she was stunningly beautiful. I guessed she was about my mother’s age but I wasn’t sure.

  “Hey, kiddo, want to join me in a drink? Here, let’s pour a little gin in that lemonade. OK with you, brown eyes?”

  I nodded. A whole new set of feelings came over me. My legs felt weak and my crotch was tingling. It occurred to me that maybe she was a little drunk. My mother did not drink and I had little experience of alcohol except for seeing the drunken Indians I used to pass on Wilson Avenue. I tasted the lemonade after she doctored it and it was not too bad. In my nervousness I gulped it down. She came and stood behind me and started playing with my hair.

  “Don’t be nervous, kiddo, I don’t bite; at least not yet.” She began to giggle but in a heavy, throaty way that sent shivers up and down my body. I was not sure what to do and began to get panicky.

  “Relax, sweetie.” she said. “Let me make you another drink. I was all set for some fun with Avery but I guess you’ll have to do. Do you like me?” She twirled around in her outfit, while I gaped and she laughed. I liked the way she laughed. I felt light headed and extremely excited. She made us both another drink and this one really affected me and I got a little dizzy. I began to sweat even more.

  She was laughing at me. “Oh kiddo, you must be a virgin. Have you ever been with a woman before?”

  “No.”

  “Don’t have a girlfriend?”

  “No.”

  “Ever had a girlfriend?”

  “No.”

  “Hasn’t your father ever talked to you about the birds and the bees?”

  “No. I don’t have a father.”

  “So you really are an innocent. But hell, you’re a teenage boy. You must have whacked that pee-pee some. Come on, tell me the truth.”

  For some reason I did not find talking to her at all embarrassing. “Yes, I know what you mean. I do it all the time.”

  She laughed more and her tits shook. This made me very happy and I began giggling. I finished the drink and began to feel very relaxed.

  “My names Mary, you call me Mary, OK? You know what? I think I’ll make you a very happy boy. It seems no one has bothered to tell you about the ways of woman. At least with me you can learn something and learn it the right way. You can make your future wife very happy. You want to learn about women?”

  I said yes and felt my penis begin to swell. I thought I was going to lose it right there. “Uh, Mary, can I use your bathroom?”

  “Yes, that’s a good idea. You need a bath; you stink. Come with me. Don’t be shy; you ain’t got nothing I haven’t seen before.” She took my hand in hers and led me down a hall to a large bathroom with a bathtub in the corner.

  I stopped and looked at her. I was a little drunk. “I’m not shy about anything. You are very beautiful.”

  She smiled and began taking my clothes off. “I have to pee”

  “Go ahead.” she said, “You said you ain’t shy.”

  I turned and stood with my back to her and began to piss in the toilet. I was free and loose. I could feel a huge smile grow on my face. She was running water in the tub. She poured in bath soap to make bubbles. I finished and flushed the toilet.

  “All right, get in the tub. You need a good scrubbing.” She took my hand and I eased myself into the tepid water. She began to wash me with a sponge while kneeling beside the tub. When she cradled my head to wash my hair I began to cry. I let loose with huge sobs and could not stop. She leaned over the tub and pressed my face into her breasts. “Shush, baby, it’s OK. You’re safe with me. Don’t no one love you, kiddo? What’s happened to you? C’mon cheer up. You get nice and clean and we’ll have some fun.”

  I choked back the tears as best as I could. What was happening to me? I felt like I did when I watched “East of Eden”. She stood me up and dried me off with a large soft towel. Her rubbing me all over felt wonderful but brought back my erection.

  “Well look at that little pig sticker. For a skinny guy that’s some hunk of meat. Come on, kiddo, time for lessons to begin.” She walked me back down the hallway to a bedroom with a huge bed in the middle of the room.

  “Do you know how to kiss a girl? I guess you don’t. Come here.” She pulled me to her and took my head in her soft hands and put her lips on mine. They felt like velvet. She began nibbling on my lips and forced her tongue into my mouth. “Put your arms around me and do like I do. You have to feel it. Let yourself go and feel my kiss.”

  Having her body against mine was almost too much to bear. I had my penis pressed against her pubic hair and I was afraid of squirting my white jiz all over her fancy negligee. I pulled away. “I think I’m going to shoot off all over you.”

  She laughed again. “Don’t worry, at your age you got plenty more where that came from.” She lifted her negligee over her head and stood in front of me naked. She had a large curvy shape. Her pubic hair ran from her bellybutton down to a huge bush of black springy hair. She had large thighs and when she turned around to pull down the bed covers I saw her large rear end. I felt as if I were in one of my dreams. I often had dreams about Hollywood stars and woke up to dried stains on my sheets. But this was no dream.

  She sat me down on the bed and stood in front of me. She cupped her breasts. “A woman likes her breasts played with. You can squeeze them, but not too hard. Go ahead do it.” I took her huge tits in my hands. They were soft and felt nice. She lay down beside me. “Now lean over and put my nipple in your mouth. That’s it. Just lick it and suck on it but not too hard. Be careful of your teeth. Yes, that’s it. Oh, that feels nice. Keep it up.”

  She had me run my hands all over her body. She showed me the intricacies of her vagina and what all the parts did and how to make them feel good. She showed me how to give a foot massage and told me how important it was to a woman. We fucked in a bunch of different positions. She sucked on my penis and I thought I would die. I learned to give pleasure and to take pleasure. This was the best day of my life.

  We lay side by side for awhile. I nearly fell asleep but she shook me. “You have to go now. I have to get dinner ready. I hope you had a good time but I won’t be seein
g you again. You must not tell anyone about us. Do you understand? This was a one time only session. You go out and get a girlfriend. You’re a nice boy and now you know what to do. Go out and practice.” She laughed and slapped me on the behind. “Get dressed and go now. Tell Avery to stop by when he can.”

  She got off the bed and went into the bathroom. I put my clothes on in a daze and left her apartment. I walked home in a stupor, trying to come to grips with what had just happened. My perpetual scowl was replaced with a smile. I glowed and people passing returned my smile.

  In two weeks I had finished making deliveries for Avery. I never mentioned Mary Polansky. I never delivered any other orders to naked women. He paid me and thanked me for doing such a good job. He said that if he came through again next year he would look me up. I never saw him again.

  

  School started and the World Series went on once again without the Cubs. On September 30, James Dean died in a car crash near Salinas, California. The next month is when I saw his film Rebel without a Cause. I slowly began to understand what had affected me so much in his first movie. I needed a family and James Dean showed me a way to get one. I watched the movie many times and tried to become like him.

  I often think back on that summer. When I do I always feel grateful towards Mr. Avery Tan, the Fuller Brush Company and Mrs. Polansky for giving me the chance to learn about woman. I still revere James Dean for giving me a path, however twisted, to adulthood. I have since spent my life with good friends and the love one woman and thus I created my own family. Life is good.